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Do children grieve?
Children do grieve. Children mourn the loss of someone
special in a similar manner as do adults. They feel
the loss and pain of a separation very strongly,
they just don't express their pain in the same manner.
Often children are not as verbally skilled as adults,
therefore they express their pain in the form of
behaviour. Rather than expressing anger in a verbal
way, there will often be changes in behaviour that
we as adults label as 'naughty'.
They may become very frustrated and have very intense
mood swings. They can often yell and scream at people,
sometimes other children at school or pre school
and sometimes at home.
At times they withdraw from relationships. They
may sometimes shut themselves away from others. From
being friendly with other children they can become
isolated and quiet.
Another very common reaction is that of clinginess.
They cling to the important person in their life
and often refuse to let that person out of their
sight.
How You Can Help Children
There are a few important rules to remember. Firstly
it’s very important children are given accurate
and concise information about what has happened.
This should be given to the child in age appropriate
language:
- There is no need to over explain as this
will only confuse the child and make them more
anxious.
- Do not try to fill in gaps with embellishment
or distortions.
- Tell the truth, as you know
it to be. This will let the child know that you
have
told them the truth and will increase their
capability to trust as time goes on.
- Make sure you
tell them that you will be there for them. At
this time a child will
require a great deal of reassurance. They
will need to feel safe.
- Don’t be afraid to let your child
see you cry. Explain that you are feeling very
sad. This lets children know that it’s
OK to express emotions.
Should I allow the child to attend a viewing?
It is very important to give the child the choice
as to whether they want to view their loved one.
Explain to them what the person will look like,
explain in what position they will be, tell them
about change in the body temperature. If you explain
these facts to them, they are able to make an informed
choice. In this way if the child is prepared, they
may still be upset but they will probably cope much
better.
Children often use their play to integrate new information.
Do not be distressed if your child starts playing
death or funeral games. This is his/her way of working
out these new experiences.
Like adults children need love, understanding and
opportunity to express their feelings in their own
way in a safe and supportive environment.
Provide your child with paper and pens. Children,
especially younger children, will often express their
feelings through their artwork.
Some Common Grief Reactions
- Children often fear that they somehow
caused the death and feel guilty about this.
- Children may worry that others, including
themselves, may die.
- Children can feel angry at the person
who died and abandoned by them.
- If a parent or other care giver has died,
children may worry about who will take care of
them now.
What you can do:
- Be affectionate – tell and show
your child that you love her/him and will take
care of
them.
- Include them – tell them what is
happening now. Your routines will be changed and
this can cause
anxiety for children.
- Share your feelings and reactions with
them.
- Include them in decisions, for example,
going to the funeral.
- As much as possible, maintain their regular
routines. This helps rebuild their sense of security.
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